Understanding who we are and what's important to us is crucial for rediscovering ourselves after abuse. There is so much gaslighting, feelings and motive assignment, denial of facts and denial of reality in these situations that it's important to be very grounded and very firm about who you are and what you believe. This is how you prevent someone else's beliefs about you from being internalized. When you are sure about these things, it's easier to see someone's opinions or beliefs about you as just that, not as facts about you or definitions of you.

A big part of what defines us are our values. Our values are the main things that motivate us and are important factors in our decision-making. These are things that are important to us and are things we desire to embody, create, be, have or achieve. Think about the traits and words you came up with in the previous exercise. Are these things that you value?

For example, if someone values loyalty, then they are faithful to others in all the ways that are meaningful. They will also value loyalty in others and will probably find someone who does not value loyalty to be an undesirable partner or friend. If someone values honesty, they will work to be as honest as possible and dislike situations where others are dishonest or when they feel unable to speak their mind. If someone values competition, they won't be happy in a situation where competition is not encouraged or appreciated.

Not living according to their values makes most people unhappy. By defining and prioritizing our values, we can ensure that we know exactly what they are so we can structure our lives to better reflect them and maximize not only our sense of agency but of fulfillment.