Abuse robs us of many things. One of the most important things it can rob us of is our sense of self. We lose more and more of ourselves to the relationship, until we end up unable to define ourselves, identify our own needs or understand our own feelings.

One of the reasons this happens is because abusers and other toxic people such as narcissists generally insist on being the center of the relationship. Not just the center of attention, but the center of everything. They are the only ones allowed to have feelings or needs. They are the only ones allowed to have problems or issues. They must always have control over the relationship and any attempt to assert your own needs or feelings is perceived as not just selfish but as a threat and will be responded to as one.

Any attempt to deviate focus from the abuser and their feelings, their needs, their plans, their desires or their problems is often considered neglect. It is considered selfish, abusive and cruel. The relationship is an either-or situation, where there is only enough attention and time for one person – ever. Any time this is not them, there are going to be problems, and often, they are big problems.

People may be continuously attacked, demeaned, degraded or otherwise made to believe they are wrong just for having needs and feelings at all. They may be repeatedly told they are selfish, greedy, inconsiderate or self-absorbed for daring to talk about anything regarding themselves. Their feelings, needs, ideas, beliefs, morals or values may be constantly undermined, belittled, dismissed or mocked. Their concerns may be overlooked, treated contemptuously or condescendingly, or simply ignored altogether. The narcissist's relentless refrain is, “What about me?” If something does not fall under this heading, it is not important. More than unimportant, it is actually considered harmful.