Survivor Stories: I Am Very Happy

I met him online and liked his personality and sense of humor very much. He seemed like a pretty genuine, average guy for about the first three weeks aside from a few comments that seemed like backhanded compliments that - at the time - I thought I was reading into too much, but now I recognize as the first red flags. We “fell in love” right away and I was showered with gifts and compliments. For three weeks. 

He had some problems, though. He was a disabled vet with PTSD from serving in Iraq and was going through a divorce from his second marriage. He was also for the past three years raising his teen daughter from his first marriage. When his ex remarried and had another child, his daughter grew jealous and falsely accused the step-father of molesting her. After the police questioned her, she admitted it was a lie and was sent to live with him by the mother who resented her creating this turmoil. 

I was with him for about two years. A constant on and off, make up and break up, fight and beg back cycle. I do not have low self-esteem, have a good job and a home, but was beholden to “working with and forgiving him” because of his PTSD. He was a master of saying and doing the most hurtful things and somehow making it seem like I would be the bad person for not forgiving him. He would create fights out of things that I can’t even pinpoint. He criticized every minute little thing I did. Oh, but when he wanted to say the right thing… sigh. I could just melt back in his arms. I cried about 30% of the time I knew him. 

One night he was picking some fight and began defending himself against being a narcissist. I hadn’t even accused him of this, and up until a year ago I had no knowledge of the true traits of one other than my general understanding of the Greek mythological story. On a whim I searched “narcissist” in YouTube and the titles of some of The Little Shaman’s videos came up that started putting into direct and simple terms what I couldn’t quite describe. Narcissists are ungrateful. Narcissists ruin holidays. Narcissists always have to be right. And so many more that were literally 100% spot on. He had diagnosed himself at some point, I suppose. He knew it. And thank God he let it spill because honestly, I would have never been able to heal without this information. He was so twisted, maddening and full of head games, I needed a “decoder” to deprogram and reprogram myself. 

I binge watched those videos, I played them for my mother so we could talk through them, I sent links to friends that I thought had similar abusive relationships past and present. During March 2018, the videos were the ONLY thing I listened to day and night. Thank you, Little Shaman! She helped me more than years of therapy and I don’t know her but I love her for it!!

So where is the guy? Well I’m the middle of that March 2018 period, I stopped contacting him. Seeing what he was actually made me dislike him—would he have been able to hoover me back in? I would be lying if I said no. I think he still could have, but he was arrested. His daughter turned him him for raping her. The story about the stepfather was made up. He was the molester the whole time. His self-righteous, better-than-everyone, accuser-of-everyone-else’s-faults persona was the mask he wore to cover up what he really was. And the PTSD was a lie, too. He was in the military, yes, but was discharged when they learned he was bipolar. A clever cover story for his unstable behavior, brilliant actually, as it made all around seem like bad people for not cutting him slack and he could play the war hero, too! 

He was given twenty years. No chance for parole. I was given the gift of never having to worry about him contacting me because he can’t. 

I have since met someone else, someone that I may have overlooked because he was at first shy but I gave him a chance because he made me feel good after feeling bad for so long. And when he got more comfortable around me, he turned out not to be so shy, but instead the most amazing, kind, funny, good-hearted man I have ever met. We have been together about nine months and it’s a very healthy strong relationship. And I am very happy.

Despite this I would say I’m not quite 100% healed from the narcissistic abuse because it’s just that damaging. But I’m close and lucky—not everyone has their narcissist thrown in jail (no contact) with their crime (real self) displayed in the newspaper to help them see who the narcissist really is. In turn though, I am hyper-sensitive to people with any toxic traits— now which is a parting gift I am happy to take from the experience.

Anonymous

Survivor Stories: A Priceless Work in Progress

Broken beyond words, a stark realization I had in the moment he finally had one hand around my neck and the other hand pointed right to my face.  With more conviction in his eyes and words than he had the day we said our “I dos” , he raged, “Don’t you ever think I need you or want you. Don’t you think for a second that I can’t get a better b**** than you.”  The topic at hand, of course, had nothing to do with other women or jealousy. It had to do with the fact that moments before, in a fit of grandiosity on his part, he almost killed us on a six lane highway. I braced for impact and my soul immediately released any attachment to this world assuming, “This is it”.  

Ashamedly, I admit, that was not the first time I’d heard those words uttered.  It was his go-to speech regarding pretty much anything. The most memorable of all was about a sandwich.  I actually have that recorded, too, to remind me I am not making up that story (evidence of gaslighting). The speech, however, was not usually accompanied by a hand to my neck.

Almost a year before what would be our final days together (mentioned above), I had naturally started to respond less to his behaviors.  I couldn’t control him but I could control me, and so I did. Unfortunately, where some narcissists may respond by backing down since you’re not giving them that supply, his bad behavior escalated overtime to becoming downright absurd, bizarre, and abusive.  I was no longer feeding his ego by reacting to his bad behavior and so his behavior got worse.

At the time, I didn’t have words to validate what I knew to be true.  I didn’t know what NPD was, or about future faking, or that “narcissists tell on themselves” (he actually told me he was a narcissist once).  What I knew was that whatever was happening there was not love. It was not honor. It hurt. All the time. Every day, in some way, even on the good days, something hurt.  I did not want to spend another day convincing myself that the truth was different than the evidence. I did not want to spend more time telling myself that he does love me, when he would spend any time at all telling me he could do better.  So I left.

I used to pride myself on knowing him better than he knew himself.  I used to pride myself on loving him harder and better than anyone ever had.  I used to pride myself on being able to hover ever so lightly within our house made of egg shells.  I have since learned to flip that script. I now know myself better than anyone, and love myself harder than anyone, and I now live alone in a house I am building out of solid rock.  A priceless work in progress.

Danielle S.

Survivor Stories: I'm In a Better Space Now.

I did not know what I was dealing with. My narc portrayed themselves as a life coach. Their feed was always spiritual, creating zen events and always giving advice on dating. Always saying how in love they were with their life. What I experienced was completely the opposite. I’m a very easy-going, friendly person. I could not pinpoint what this monstrous personality was. Every time I was nice friendly and polite, this narc was always on deck ready to shoot me down. Anything I said, shot down. Over and over. If someone else would say the exact thing I did, they would be praised and given a shout out on a post on how amazing that person was to say something so profound. It was a dual personality for sure. Possibly more.

Online, this narc seemed to have it all together. Therefore, wanting to share love and peace to the world. Not so in person. Offline, this narc was constantly provoking fights. Saying inappropriate things. Pushing the limits just to get a reaction. Loved to say things that made people uncomfortable, as if to see just how much they can get away with. Online, this narc needed a lot of self-praise. Saw themselves as high class. Offline they behaved badly, had poor table manners and lacked refined, classy social skills. Their image did not match their actions. My mind was so twisted, like a roller coaster trying to figure this out and heal from all the wounds they left.

This went on for a few years. Every day, even still today I’m dealing with being haunted by what they did, what they said. I’m still trying to figure how to completely erase them from my memory and move forward. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the Little Shaman that I understood what was happening. This narc wasn’t smart. Very predictable, in fact. I just didn’t know how to explain the turmoil they were causing within me. Each time I listened to the Little Shaman, things began to make sense. I got a lot of clarification and validation from this.

Now it was A + B = C, the narc. Everything the Little Shaman said was crossing all T’s and dotting all I’s. Little Shaman, you were nailing this narc to the wall on every post. Now I knew what I was dealing with. How to heal and protect myself. Why things happened the way they did. And what to do. I learned my narc was a Grandiose Narc, who would love bomb all over social media. Heavily into magical thinking. How their world really is and not what they portray it to be. How they have this internal battle going on. Why they throw tantrums.

I realized this narc was just fooling everyone. They aren’t spiritual or zen. They just use that to lure in more victims to feed their supply. This totally made sense and explained why this Grandiose Narc is addicted to online dating. It’s perfect to provide supply to fulfill their needs, then just toss people away and continue to the next. This narc just learned to speak with conviction to be a convincing Life Coach. Their razor-sharp words, games and actions is not what a real Life Coach would advise or do. This is when I realized this Grandiose Narc could potentially be a dangerous person to the weak. Hence, why it would never work between us. This narc knew they couldn’t run their game on me.

I endured years of this verbal and mental abuse. Trying to figure out where I was doing wrong. Why we could never find a middle ground. Why we couldn’t be friends. Why it was so difficult to get along. It made no sense. Every interaction I had always had me asking, “Where is the nice Life Coach from online? The adult in front of me who is throwing another 2 year old tantrum is not a Life Coach.” I was so confused. Why was this narc always charming and pleasing to everyone but me? Why are they so hot and cold? Why does this narc make up a lot of stories? Why does this narc always try to flip the story, and never can admit they were wrong? Through the help, clarity and explanations of The Little Shaman I was able to heal quicker.

I’m in a better space now since I can now distinguish what their actions were. I'm less stressed because I understand what this personality is and how they move about in the world. This Grandiose Narc is not in my life. Although I’m still dealing with having survived this Grandiose Narc, my anxiety is no longer triggered. I’m no longer shot down at every turn. Thanks, Little Shaman.

Mel M.

Survivor Stories: Thank You For Showing Me Your True Colors.

In a relationship with him for 1 year and 4 months. We were in a long-distance relationship. As we all know, the love bombing from a narc is super exciting! It felt like he was my true love, he treated me so special, introduced me to his family and already talked about marriage. I had known this guy (at the time we started dating) for about 8 years. I was friends with him when he got married and then he got divorced because his ex-wife cheated on him. He told me the story and blamed her for everything. When we were in a relationship, he often bad-mouthed his ex-wife.

And then some painful things happened, things that a lover will never do to a person they love.

1. He was verbally abusive. He called me a bitch and a psychotic stalker. There was time when he had a rough time and ignored me, so I asked what was wrong. Because of that I got called a psychotic stalker. I was really mad that time and I asked him to apologize for that heartbreaking title and he didn’t. Instead, he sent me a GIF of a man laughing so hard, like he was laughing in my face saying, "No, I won’t ever apologize for that."

2. He ignored me most of the time. He even left me without saying anything, putting me in silent treatment twice. And each silent treatment lasted for about 1 month. I was going crazy that time and I bet he enjoyed it. I bet he enjoyed there was a person begging for him.

3. He tended to avoid discussion to solve problems. Everytime I wanted to discuss things to solve things, he saw it as me trying to pick a fight. I swear I never intended to start a fight, because this whole time I was the one who apologized everytime we had arguments and ended up crying. I never wanted a fight with him.

4. He blocked me in every argument, then disappeared. Just like that: silent treatment.

5. He often made me jealous by bringing up names from his past. He accused me of cheating and I swore I didn’t. I once got sick and he didn’t even believe me. He said, "I don’t care."

6. He hijacked every conversation. Everytime I wanted to share my story of the day, everytime I wanted to complain about things (which I rarely do), he would slowly change the topic and focus to him. He didn’t seem to care about what happened to me.

7. When he had a problem I had to be there for him or else he would get moody. But when I had a problem, he was never there to calm me down.

8. He talked bad about me to his sister and I don’t know what he said to her. All I know is that his sister hated me. She didn’t know what her brother had done to me. I didn’t tell her because I kept blaming myself.

From all those things I mentioned, I forgave him. I forgave him for everything.

I stayed by his side even though he left me twice and came back. 

Early in March, we didn’t talk that much for 2 weeks. That made me miss him so much. And as usual, he didn’t understand, no matter how many times I said i miss him. March 13th, he left me. He dumped me because he said he doubted that he wanted to continue to handle the emotional rollercoaster. You know what? I only missed him. Is it so wrong that i missed him so much and he didn’t try to understand and it made me cranky?

Then he blocked me after that message. I tried to let go.

Then a week after that, i found out he is in a relationship with a new girl. And you know what? They started dating on March 13. I broke into pieces.

That’s when I realized he cheated on me.

The date he left me is the date of him dating a new girl.

Nobody will jump to relationships out of blue so I’m sure he had been flirting with her while he was still with me.

Can you imagine how broken I was when I found it out? I fell sick, I cried every single night, I almost did self harm because the pain in my heart killing me inside. I wanted to cut myself to replace the pain in my heart that I couldn’t see or touch. But I stopped when I was about to do it. I realized it wouldn’t do anything good for me. I shared my story with my best friends and let them know what happened to me and let them know that I desperately needed help. And also I asked for help from a professional for my mental condition.

I’ve now blocked him in every contact and social media in case he starts hoovering. I don’t want him. I want my peace back. I want my mental health back. I feel better now. I realize my self-worth and I don’t care anything about him anymore. Let the new supply realize that by herself. I won’t say anything. 

Dear Narcissistic Ex,

I loved you

I cared about you

but I was wrong.

You were sick that whole time

Trash will always attract trash.

And thank you for showing me your true colors.

Anonymous

Survivor Stories: Thank God For Friends.

I met him at work. He presented as a kind, healing, spiritual person. We became close very quickly. Text messages several times a day. I thought he was my soul mate. It seemed he needed me. Then I started making him upset with something that I said. I was constantly explaining and putting out fires. I remember re-wording text messages over and over before I sent them, hoping he would not get upset. He wanted to start a business and needed help with a website. I sat with the web designer (who he constantly criticized). He wanted a donation button on the website. I used my bank and personal info since he had no credit and lots of debts. He used the donation button to get money from another woman, I found out later. She is now his current supply. I suddenly could do nothing right. I went from the pedestal to the ground very quickly. Ghosted. Verbally abused. Told me I was crazy when I called him out on the account. Raged at me.

By the time he dramatically discarded me I was defeated, lost and could not get through a conversation without crying. I thought I was what he told me I was: useless, old and crazy. Thank God for friends, channels like The Little Shaman and therapy. I finished school and got a degree. I lost the fifty pounds I put on when he left. But it was the most  devastating experience and the hardest thing I have ever had to get through. Tough life lesson. These people will destroy you if you let them. I think he wanted to see me suicidal or arrested. It has been a while now and some days are still hard. 

DeAnn